So much Jyler feels… -fucking spasms-
Yeah, I agree with my friend when she says that I’m constantly shooting myself in the face. I agreed to help him woo the girl he likes when I have yet to get over him even the slightest bit. Yep, I’m just a major masochist that way.
Find someone who isn’t afraid to admit that they miss you. Someone who knows that you’re not perfect, but treats you as if you are. Someone who’s biggest fear is losing you. One who gives their heart completely. Someone who says I love you and means it. Last but not least, find someone who wouldn’t mind waking up with you in the morning, seeing you in wrinkles and your gray hair, but still falls for you all over again.
How much longer do I have to keep up the pretense? I thought things would have gotten easier as time went by, but it just isn’t…
Hopefully work will help take my mind of it…
That moment when you love someone so much to the point that you’d be anyone or anything for them, because you never want to lose them and you want them to always be happy.
Yep, he really cares about her. And I hope I can continue to stay happy for them without feeling that twinge of pain.
I can honestly say that I had never expected nor prepared for what went down last night.
We met up, and we talked & reminisced about the past. I guess we both missed it… At least I did; I missed it and I missed him. And everything was going so well, but suddenly it all started to fall apart again(something I’m used to by now I guess) and I guess I panicked and I snapped when I didn’t have the rights or reason to do so. And he left.
And I sat there like an idiot crying and reprimanding myself for fucking everything up again . I guess what I wasn’t expecting was to have to face him again an hour later, because I honestly wasn’t ready. I was given the chance to tell him how I felt and I screwed up. And I didn’t want to believe it when she told me that he cared and was worried about me when I decidedly didn’t want to reply to their texts or answer their calls.
So I went to look for another one of my friends for company and moral support and she told me that I needed to face it head on; no more hiding. So, I did(rather unwillingly I might add).
The next thing I knew, I was seated at her place, awaiting for his arrival so we could talk again. Obviously I’m not used to hearing apologies from him or how he felt about our situation, so I was in major denial when she kept pushing him to tell me why he really wanted to continue talking to me; that he didn’t want to lose me as a friend.
So yeah, we talked…
And I finally did what I never thought I’d ever, ever, do… I confessed to him about how I truly felt; how I wasn’t over him but I didn’t want to feel that way anymore. So I asked him for his help, which was to state the obvious that we could never be more than friends. He did, and now, I feel like everything’s better already, even though it still hurts. But at least now, I can tell myself to let go, to move on.
Although I have him in my life again, but not in the way I wished it was, I am utterly thankful that I do… He really makes me happy and yeah, admittedly, I smile a hell lot more when I am around him( might be because he constantly annoys the shit outta me). I love him and I don’t wanna let go, but I think I finally can… Slowly…
I’m happy that he’s become honest with me again, and I’ll always be there for him until he sends me away. I will always love him, but I guess that’s just something I will need to constantly remind myself that it needs to be a subtle part of me.
20 March/21 March 2013
The most fucked up thing happened like an hour ago.
So today I had a heart-to-heart talk with a friend of mine and we basically talked on and on about how fucked up life is and can be (and how worse it’ll just get).
So afterwards, I was on my way home and was quietly sitting at the bus stop waiting for my bus to arrive(which took God knows how long to arrive) and started to think about everything my friend and I said today. Then I completely lost it and started to cry right there; at a fucking public bus stop, which by the way, had people around it. So everyone turned to stare at me and I had to try my best to muffle my whimpers and it failed horribly.
Then, outta nowhere, this really cute guy appears and sits next to me, and asks me if I’m alright. I mean, srsly? How many random cute strangers actually do that?! So I responded by shaking my head and he placed his hands on my back and started rubbing soothing circles, which honestly did make me feel better. Then I looked up at him and he looked me in the eye and told me that everything was gonna be alright, and I honestly believed him… Something about the intensity in his eyes said that he wasn’t lying when he said so; like he’d been through it before. Then I realized just how weird this was and how awkward and wrong it should have been and froze. Then, I just had to think about a particular idiot whom I just can’t get over and then I felt guilty(why the fuck?!) that this was happening.
So, I thanked the guy, got up and immediately flagged down a cab instead.
Fuck my life.
I just rejected a major cutie for an idiot whose never gonna fall for me the same way I did and still feel for him.
How can you not find him fucking adorable and just so plain fuckable?!