I seem to have the tendency to fall for the wrong guys, especially the straight guys. And yet again do I find myself in this predicament. Only this time, he is starting to grow on me more than usual and is breaching the “bestfriend-line”. So what am I suppose to do? Giving up is the best option I can think of, but then I would have to become what I’ve always despised - selfish.
Woke up wanting to feel numb; wanting to forget, but I just couldn’t. Everything hit like a tidal wave and I wanted to crawl out of my skin so badly; I wanted to claw out my heart and watch it take its final beat before it falters and dies.
I have never felt more manipulated in my entire 18yrs of existence. I feel incredibly dumb for actually thinking that the possibility of “us” was there; I feel angry that you had led me on even if you did so unknowingly because you only made me fall that much harder.
I feel completely demoralized and just plain fucked up right now because I don’t want to see you at all. But then again, we’re classmates so what the fuck can I do about that.
Every breath feels harder now and that ache in my chest just keeps getting amplified in every waking moment. The tears feel like they’re on the verge of falling, but my body refuses to allow it. My body feels like it’s shutting down on itself.
I don’t know anymore… I just…
I don’t know.
Poetry + otps - Jeremy & Tyler
“How long will the bed that we made together hold us there? Your stubbled cheeks grazed my skin from evening to dawn, a cloud of scattered particles now, islands of shaving foam slowly spiraling down the drain, blood drops stippling the water pink as I kiss the back of your neck, our faces framed inside a medicine cabinet mirror. The blade of your hand carves a portal out of steam, the two of us like boys behind frosted glass who wave goodbye while a car shoves off into winter. All that went unnoticed till now — empty cups of coffee stacked up in the sink, the neighborhood kids up to their necks in mounds of autumn leaves. How months on a kitchen calendar drop like frozen flies, the flu season at its peak followed by a train of magic-markered xxx’s — nights we’d spend apart. Death must work that way, a string of long distance calls that only gets through to the sound of your voice on our machine, my heart’s mute confession screened out. How long before we turn away from flowers altogether, your blind hand reaching past our bedridden shoulders to hit that digital alarm at delayed intervals — till you shut it off completely.”
So much Jyler feels… -fucking spasms-
Yeah, I agree with my friend when she says that I’m constantly shooting myself in the face. I agreed to help him woo the girl he likes when I have yet to get over him even the slightest bit. Yep, I’m just a major masochist that way.
Find someone who isn’t afraid to admit that they miss you. Someone who knows that you’re not perfect, but treats you as if you are. Someone who’s biggest fear is losing you. One who gives their heart completely. Someone who says I love you and means it. Last but not least, find someone who wouldn’t mind waking up with you in the morning, seeing you in wrinkles and your gray hair, but still falls for you all over again.
How much longer do I have to keep up the pretense? I thought things would have gotten easier as time went by, but it just isn’t…
Hopefully work will help take my mind of it…
That moment when you love someone so much to the point that you’d be anyone or anything for them, because you never want to lose them and you want them to always be happy.